[Personal]You know you've hit a low when you try to break out so your derm will take you seriously

Beauty Tips For Body Care
So, tomorrow I have my derm appt. I had one once years back, when my skin was pretty different, but now that I'm back on my 3rd month of this round of antibiotics (again), my skin is calming down and healing. Only thing is, I'm not that psyched because I KNOW when I get off again it'll just come creeping back again. Like always. AGAIN. Basically, my skin is not actually healed, it's just medicated and put on pause. I'm sick of this constant cycle of antibiotics, relative clarity, and then lo and behold, acne. It's not even bad, but it's changing and I actually got some deeper acne this time around, which was really fun to fret over. So my derm. She's gonna look at me, go "oh that's just some leftover redness and small stuff you're fine" and give me some topical. Now, I may be unreasonable, but perhaps someone here can share my dread of various medicated creams. They always sting, they always paint me red, and they usually make things worse. I've been traumatized by retinol, most likely, and this will explain my psychosis when it comes to that (I looked like I had horns emerging from my head). But I've just had it up to here with creams and antibiotics. I want accutane, damn it (low dose). I don't have bad acne at all, but I have constant acne. If I turn to the wrong angle, all you see are tiny bumps everywhere. And now my back is starting too. I'm afraid that my derm will say "well no cysts no accutane girlfrand", but damn it I want some permanency! Not this roller coaster ride I never asked for. So the last couple days I put shit on my face I know by now that my skin isn't friends with. I'm suspecting the Hada Labo acid lotion, the innisfree sunscreen, the missha essence. So I've been slathering it all on and giggling evilly to myself. Insane? Maybe. Stupid? Definitely. But let's just say this is what years of frustration and insecurity have led to. It's weirdly freeing trying to break out instead of weeping over every single CC, and ironically I feel like my skin is actually healing in some ways. I do have an added small/medium zit here and there (the sort that pop up when a product doesn't agree with you), but the red scars from my patch of disaster on my left cheek are looking....softer. In color and texture. Anyway, I wanted to rant about my craziness and wondered if there are other people out there who feel like their acne is bad and debilitating, but not deemed "bad enough" by others. All I can say is that while part of me is deeply horrified at my actions, another part is actually...not that upset. Sometimes it's fun messing up your own hard work, I guess?
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Submitted by aeryuu